Crazy From The Seat
Below are my rantings and ravings from my trip back from New York on jetBlue on Monday morning. I typed my feelings of frustration and rage into my Droid as a way to cope. It was too early to start drinking. :-) My musings are stream of consciousness with little care of grammar, so 'reader be ware'. Keep in mind that I was in a seriously bad mood for reasons I do not wish to share at this time. I'm not usually this 'insane' when I travel. I have transcribed my Droid notepad text into the post below. BTW, next time I drive. :-)
I just got though Newark Airport security, and I'm sitting in the waiting area for my flight. Thank God, the security guard didn't call the FBI on me! I had a bottle of Diet Coke in my laptop bag! I know, it's my fault. I am well aware that you can't bring soda bottles through security, but REALLY! It's just a damn bottle of soda... At least the gentlemen was polite about telling me about my infraction. He held it up between his gloved index finger and thumb and said, "NOT ALLOWED!" He then proceeded to toss it in the trash. Lucky me, twenty yards after security there was a Hudson News where I could buy another bottle of Diet Coke for only $3! What luck!
...Now I'm on the plane an hour into flight. There are two annoying [CENSORED] sitting next to me eating stinky homemade food. They also had to ask for two snacks each from the flight attendant. Lady is on her second cheese blintz and Tera Blue chips. They're eating like its their last meal. I sure hope not. Maybe they know something I don't about this trip. Two kids in front and two kids behind. Little [CENSORED]wont stop kicking back of my seat. At least the screaming stopped. Why do people have kids? I'm glad my folks did, for obvious reasons, and I guess if people all stopped having kids the human race would end, but still...
... Twenty minutes later, and the brat is still kicking the back of my seat, the cabin stinks of farts or a dirty diaper or fumes from the lavatory. I'm on a flying school bus. The crazy old lady next to me, dressed in a baby blue velor jogging suit, is dancing in her seat while watching a mortgage refinancing commercial on the jetBlue TV. KID STOP [CENSORED] KICKING MY SEAT OR IN THE OVERHEAD YOU GO, [CENSORED]!! I want off this [CENSORED] plane. I have to pee, but I can't get out. I'm seated in a window seat because jetBlue gave my aisle seat away to some weird looking woman. They did this even though I reserved an aisle seat 7 weeks ago. [CENSORED]you jetBlue! My legs are cramping. I'm gonna die of a clot in my leg before this flight is done. I just know it.
...Ha! Some guy just bumped his head on the bulkhead getting back into his seat. DO IT AGAIN SILLY MAN!
... I think I have Uromysitisis poisoning . A rare and dangerous syndrome that you can get from holding in your pee. Seinfeld got it in an episode where they were searching for Kramer's car in the mall garage. I need to go. I could wake up the loons next to me, so I can get to the bathroom. I hope the weird woman is enjoying my aisle seat. I can't do it. I can't wake them up. Were making our decent. El Capitain will put on the seat belt sign soon. Its now or never.
...[CENSORED]! The crazy woman next to me wouldn't wake up. I guess it was the two smelly cheese blintzes, the bag of Tera Blue chips, and the chocolate chip cookies that put her out. I was up and ready to move, but she wouldn't budge and then "DING! Fasten seat belts please for our decent into..." Gotta shut off my Droid now. It could bring down the plane you know.
...On the ground now waiting for a gate to park this stupid plane. I WANT OFF!
...In the terminal FINALLY! Actually, it wasn't such a bad flight. It was on time and not much turbulence. I wonder what the nice lady next to me on the flight was eating. It looked and smelled delicious. Ah, there's a bathroom. Orlando International is so clean. It's good to be home.
How jetBlue Stole Christmas
Update. February 23, 2010. From work today, I finally booked my flight with jetBlue . I was on the phone for sixty five minutes, sixty of those minutes were on hold.
There was a time when jetBlue was a special airline. Unlike Southwest Airlines (aka the 'flying bus') with their festival seating, jetBlue was affordable, the staff was friendly, and there was a TV set at every seat. An egalitarian airline, jetBlue has but one class. I'm telling you, flying jetBlue was a real pleasure, but all good things must come to an end.
In 2007, jetBlue let an airplane full of passengers sit on the tarmac for over 8 hours, and as a result, suffered their first real negative publicity to date. Not long after this incident, jetBlue created a passenger bill of rights and promised to do better. Well isn't that just super?! Eager to show the world that they had mended their ways, jetBlue overcompensated during the next snow storm, and canceled way more flights than their competitors. I know this to be true because every person flying into New York to attend my parent's 75th birthday party (their birthdays are very close, so they decided to hold one big party) never made it there, including me! Every other airline found a way to get guests to my parent's party, but jetBlue had its head up its fuselage that day.
So, the airline decided to err on the side of caution and cancel a bunch of flights, and I missed my parent's 75th (I'll catch the next one, don't worry), but what REALLY made me angry was that on the day in question you couldn't get through to jetBlue on the phone OR the web! I had no idea, at the time, if my flight was canceled or still on time. Unacceptable. I know a little bit about the web, and even if their site went down, they could have posted a static html page with flight info updated every 20 minutes. Regardless, a company the size of jetBlue should have web infrastructure contingency plans, especially if they are not going to answer the phone.
You CAN Go Home Again
On my way back to Florida, I sat next to that guy on the airplane. You know the guy to whom the rules do not apply? Yeah, that's the guy. You sat next to him once, too?
I upgraded to first class for my trip from a windy Newark Liberty International airport. It only cost me $60! With the delays caused by the high winds and the extra volume of holiday travelers, I was so glad to be able to get on (and off) the plane first, enjoy a wide seat, and get (as it turns out) really good food and drinks. As I settled into my 3rd row seat, the flight attendant asked me if I would trade seats with a woman in the first row bulkhead. There are no seats in front of the seats in the bulkhead row, so the woman in question had to put her case in the overhead. She had special medical issues, and she needed to be able to access her carry-on during the flight. Being the good sport that I am, I agreed and traded with her. I think the whole 'special medical needs' was just a ruse to get away from that guy.
