I just got though Newark Airport security, and I'm sitting in the waiting area for my flight.  Thank God, the security guard didn't call the FBI on me!  I had a bottle of Diet Coke in my laptop bag!  I know, it's my fault.  I am well aware that you can't bring soda bottles through security, but REALLY!  It's just a damn bottle of soda...  At least the gentlemen was polite about telling me about my infraction.  He held it up between his gloved index finger and thumb and said, "NOT ALLOWED!"  He then proceeded to toss it in the trash.  Lucky me, twenty yards after security there was a Hudson News where I could buy another bottle of Diet Coke for only $3!  What luck!

...Now I'm on the plane an hour into flight.  There are two annoying [CENSORED] sitting next to me eating stinky homemade food.  They also had to ask for two snacks each from the flight attendant.  Lady is on her second cheese blintz  and Tera Blue chips.  They're eating like its their last meal.  I sure hope not.  Maybe they know something I don't about this trip.  Two kids in front and two kids behind.  Little [CENSORED]wont stop kicking back of my seat.  At least the screaming stopped.  Why do people have kids?  I'm glad my folks did, for obvious reasons, and I guess if people all stopped having kids the human race would end, but still...

... Twenty minutes later, and the brat is still kicking the back of my seat, the cabin stinks of farts or a dirty diaper or fumes from the lavatory.  I'm on a flying school bus.  The crazy old lady next to me, dressed in a baby blue velor jogging suit, is dancing in her seat while watching a mortgage refinancing commercial on the jetBlue TV.  KID STOP [CENSORED] KICKING MY SEAT OR IN THE OVERHEAD YOU GO, [CENSORED]!!  I want off this [CENSORED] plane.  I have to pee, but I can't get out.  I'm seated in a window seat because jetBlue gave my aisle seat away to some weird looking woman.  They did this even though I reserved an aisle seat 7 weeks ago.  [CENSORED]you jetBlue!  My legs are cramping.  I'm gonna die of a clot in my leg before this flight is done.  I just know it.

...Ha! Some guy just bumped his head on the bulkhead getting back into his seat.  DO IT AGAIN SILLY MAN!

... I think I have Uromysitisis poisoning .  A rare and dangerous syndrome that you can get from holding in your pee.  Seinfeld got it in an episode where they were searching for Kramer's car in the mall garage.  I need to go.  I could wake up the loons next to me, so I can get to the bathroom.  I hope the weird woman is enjoying my aisle seat.  I can't do it.  I can't wake them up.  Were making our decent.  El Capitain will put on the seat belt sign soon.  Its now or never.

...[CENSORED]!  The crazy woman next to me wouldn't wake up.  I guess it was the two smelly cheese blintzes, the bag of Tera Blue chips, and the chocolate chip cookies that put her out.  I was up and ready to move, but she wouldn't budge and then "DING!  Fasten seat belts please for our decent into..."  Gotta shut off my Droid now.  It could bring down the plane you know.

...On the ground now waiting for a gate to park this stupid plane.  I WANT OFF!

...In the terminal FINALLY!  Actually, it wasn't such a bad flight.  It was on time and not much turbulence.  I wonder what the nice lady next to me on the flight was eating.  It looked and smelled delicious.  Ah, there's a bathroom.  Orlando International is so clean.  It's good to be home.

There was a time when jetBlue was a special airline.   Unlike Southwest Airlines (aka the 'flying bus') with their festival seating, jetBlue was affordable, the staff was friendly, and there was a TV set at every seat.  An egalitarian airline, jetBlue has but one class.  I'm telling you, flying jetBlue was a real pleasure, but all good things must come to an end.

In 2007,  jetBlue let an airplane full of passengers sit on the tarmac for over  8 hours, and as a result, suffered their first real negative publicity to date.  Not long after this incident, jetBlue created a passenger bill of rights and promised to do better.  Well isn't that just super?!  Eager to show the world that they had mended their ways, jetBlue overcompensated during the next snow storm, and canceled way more flights than their competitors.  I know this to be true because every person flying into New York to attend my parent's 75th birthday party (their birthdays are very close, so they decided to hold one big party) never made it there, including me!  Every other airline found a way to get guests to my parent's party, but jetBlue had its head up its fuselage that day.

So, the airline decided to err on the side of caution and cancel a bunch of flights, and I missed my parent's 75th (I'll catch the next one, don't worry), but what REALLY made me angry was that on the day in question you couldn't get through to jetBlue on the phone OR the web!  I had no idea, at the time, if my flight was canceled or still on time.  Unacceptable.  I know a little bit about the web, and even if their site went down, they could have posted a static html page with flight info updated every 20 minutes.  Regardless, a company the size of jetBlue should have web infrastructure contingency plans, especially if they are not going to answer the phone.

Time heals all wounds, anger subsides, and I gave jetBlue another chance.  They seemed to back on track with customer service, and once again I was flying the jetBlue skies.  Flash forward to present day.  I tried to book a flight on jetBlue.com tonight using the jetBlue gift card my brother and sister-in-law gave me for Christmas.  After searching for flights, choosing seats, and entering my contact info, I tried to pay with said gift card only to be informed that gift cards cannot be processed online "at this time."  I was instructed to call customer service to place my reservation and pay with the gift card.  I spoke with an jetBlue rep who informed me that you can't use gift cards online at all, not just "at this time", and she transfered me to the gift card department.  After waiting on hold listening to static filled elevator music for 15 minutes, my cell phone's battery ran out of juice and died!

What is up with jetBlue?  For such a 'hip' airline, they haven't quite mastered the web (or the phone for that matter).  Hopefully, the same rates will still be available tomorrow when I try once again to give jetBlue my money.  Come to think of it, they already have my money!  Even worse, they have my Christmas present money!!  jetBlue stole my Christmas present!!!  What's next?  I bet jetBlue goes to baseball games and steals foul balls from little children.  I heard a rumor that jetBlue hates puppies an kittens.  jetBlue goes to the movies and gives away the ending.  jetBlue's favorite software is classic AOL with dial-up.  jetBlue has two small German children in a cage, fattening them up with delicious food with plans to cook and eat them!  OK, so that last one was from Hansel and Gretel, and I'm pretty sure I did see jetBlue petting a puppy once, but the AOL thing is true.

I upgraded to first class for my trip from a windy Newark Liberty International airport.  It only cost me $60!  With the delays caused by the high winds and the extra volume of holiday travelers, I was so glad to be able to get on (and off) the plane first, enjoy a wide seat, and get (as it turns out) really good food and drinks.  As I settled into my 3rd row seat, the flight attendant asked me if I would trade seats with a woman in the first row bulkhead.  There are no seats in front of the seats in the bulkhead row, so the woman in question had to put her case in the overhead.  She had special medical issues, and she needed to be able to access her carry-on during the flight.  Being the good sport that I am, I agreed and traded with her.  I think the whole 'special medical needs' was just a ruse to get away from that guy.

Trying to get situated in the cramped confines of the too small Boeing 737, I had to pass by that guy a number of times on my way to and from my window seat.  I had to put my bag in the overhead, then I forgot something and had to pull it out, etc.  Each time I passed by, that guy shot me the evil eye and took his sweet time moving his penny loafers out of my way.  Don't get me wrong, I hate to be disturbed on a flight as much as anybody, but I was moving so the 'gravely ill' passenger could get her precious under seat storage.  Get over it, dude!

OK, so we're getting ready to take off after about an hour and half delay.  "Turn off your electronic devices...", demanded the flight crew.  I switched off my phone and my mp3 player.  I even shut off my noise canceling headphones.  That guy, who had been texting throughout the boarding process, continued to text away what I'm sure was very important messages to very important people.  Now my blood is boiling.  I guess the rules don't apply to you, I thought.  You're special because you have an un-tucked Polo shirt, designer jeans, and brown loafers with no socks.  Perhaps your special privileges come from the power in your neatly trimmed, pencil thin, facial hair?  Nah, it's probably you're 'my s**t don't stink expression' on your face that makes it OK for you to do whatever you want.

The whole 'no electrics during takeoff and landing' is ridiculous, in my opinion.  In "Episode 49: Cellphones on Planes and Helium Raft," the Discovery Channel show, Mythbusters,  tested the dangers of using cell phones and other electronics on board an aircraft and found no danger using them on modern airliners  To be on the safe side, the FAA still enforces the ban on electronics.  These rules are to be followed by all.  Even if you watch the Golf Channel on the first class LCD for the entire flight and drink Vodka and Diet Sprites all flight long, you still need to follow the rules like the rest of us slobs.  Cellphone, texting, iPod Touching...this guy did it all.  Maybe I should have confronted him or ratted him out to the flight attendants, but I just don't think it causes any real harm.  In retrospect, I should have said something.  It just ticks me off when people feel they are entitled to live above the rules that the rest of us have to obey.  As we exited the plane, that guy was back on his phone texting, completely oblivious to those around him trying to pass.  A more immature man would have intentionally given him a shoulder bump on the way out towards the terminal, but I am much more sophisticated to ever do something like that.

Now home in Florida, it was time to unpack, tidy up, and return to reality.  I collected up some trash and walked over to the compactor.  I opened the door to the trash compactor and was confronted by a masked bandit stealing our garbage.  I thought New York City rats were brazen, but this raccoon didn't move an inch.  I, on the other hand, jumped back and yelped like a little girl.   I'm glad the animal didn't lunge for my throat because the man standing 20 yards from me speaking on his cellphone didn't seem to notice that a small woodland creature had setup home in our garbage, and that a grown man was jumping up and down with a bag of trash in his hand.  I couldn't persuade the little rascal away from his meal of piazza crusts and what appeared to be some sort of bean dip, so I left the bag of trash by the curb, closed the door and went home.  I still would have preferred to sit next to the raccoon on the flight instead of that guy.

Can't believe somebody threw that away...delicious!