Unclean!
I like a clean home. I've tried to convince my mother and/or my ex-wife to come over each week and clean my place for me, but for some reason they always refuse. The keep saying selfish things like, "you're an adult now, son, and you must do these things for yourself" and "if you don't stop calling me, I'm going to get the authorities involved." Just kidding. I would never ask anybody to clean my home. Besides, only I can clean to my expectations. When the economy was better, I had a cleaning service and they did a wonderful job, but eventually my stinginess overcame my laziness, and I gave them the boot.
There are three major impediments to having a clean home. The first is my cat, the second is carpet, and the third is grout. My cat does a wonderful job at cleaning...herself. I guess that's why I like cats. Don't get me wrong, I love dogs...other people's dogs. Dogs are just so messy and smelly. My cat came equipped with a self-cleaning mode standard. She is so devoted to being clean that in the middle of chasing her favorite toy she will stop dead and start cleaning her chest fur. ("One, two, three licks...yup that got it, now where was that feather attached to the string? Oh never mind. Let's nap.") Yes, the cat certainly keeps herself clean but at the expense of EVERYTHIGN in my home. If I don't stay on top of things, cat hair will eventually consume me. It's EVERYWHERE! I've spent hundreds of dollars over the years on litter box technology just trying to figure out how to keep the damn litter in the box. I keep finding tiny little paw prints on my flawless glass-top range. She always denies involvement, but I'm pretty sure she's the one leaving those prints.
The coup de grace? One day my cat was outside on the screened-in porch when I saw her get into her wrenching position. It was fur ball extraction time. But wait! Why was she coming back INTO the house?! What the hell?! As I ran to pick her up and bring her back outside she began to blow. I was holding a little, furry Linda Blair spewing half-digested cat food and fur balls all over my rug! Why? Why would she come back INTO the house to vomit when there is a perfectly good concrete slap to throw up on outside ? And that brings me to carpeting.
There is no reason for carpet in the home. Unless you religiously practice the Japanese custom of removing your shoes EVERY time you enter your home AND you have no pets, there should be no carpeting allowed. Oh, how I yearn to have real hardwood floors covered in layer after layer polyurethane (the best substance in the world). Drop some food or wine or cat nastiness on poly-coated hardwood, and it just wipes up! Even better than hardwood is vinyl flooring. Laid onto the floor in one continuous roll with no seams, nothing is getting through this tacky synthetic wonder!
Now, if I can't have wood or vinyl then I'll settle for tile. I really like the look of tile, but the problem with tile is grout. In between each tile there lays a thin line of cement-like substance holding it all together. Grout is porous and holds all the dirt in which it comes in contact. Spill some wine on tile one night, and you better be prepared to get down on you hands and knees with a bottle of bleach and a scrub brush for the rest of the evening. I believe grout can be sealed with silicone or some other synthetic product. If this is true then 'tile sealing' should be part of the Constitution.
I must go now. It's been 10 minutes since I washed my hands, and the bacteria from the keyboard is multiplying on me exponentially! Again. Just kidding. I'm not that bad. I just like clean. And quiet. An no clutter. Wait! I think I just described the 'clean room' at the Kennedy Space Center. Perhaps I should lighten up a bit...nah!
