Crazy From The Seat
Below are my rantings and ravings from my trip back from New York on jetBlue on Monday morning. I typed my feelings of frustration and rage into my Droid as a way to cope. It was too early to start drinking. :-) My musings are stream of consciousness with little care of grammar, so 'reader be ware'. Keep in mind that I was in a seriously bad mood for reasons I do not wish to share at this time. I'm not usually this 'insane' when I travel. I have transcribed my Droid notepad text into the post below. BTW, next time I drive. :-)
I just got though Newark Airport security, and I'm sitting in the waiting area for my flight. Thank God, the security guard didn't call the FBI on me! I had a bottle of Diet Coke in my laptop bag! I know, it's my fault. I am well aware that you can't bring soda bottles through security, but REALLY! It's just a damn bottle of soda... At least the gentlemen was polite about telling me about my infraction. He held it up between his gloved index finger and thumb and said, "NOT ALLOWED!" He then proceeded to toss it in the trash. Lucky me, twenty yards after security there was a Hudson News where I could buy another bottle of Diet Coke for only $3! What luck!
...Now I'm on the plane an hour into flight. There are two annoying [CENSORED] sitting next to me eating stinky homemade food. They also had to ask for two snacks each from the flight attendant. Lady is on her second cheese blintz and Tera Blue chips. They're eating like its their last meal. I sure hope not. Maybe they know something I don't about this trip. Two kids in front and two kids behind. Little [CENSORED]wont stop kicking back of my seat. At least the screaming stopped. Why do people have kids? I'm glad my folks did, for obvious reasons, and I guess if people all stopped having kids the human race would end, but still...
... Twenty minutes later, and the brat is still kicking the back of my seat, the cabin stinks of farts or a dirty diaper or fumes from the lavatory. I'm on a flying school bus. The crazy old lady next to me, dressed in a baby blue velor jogging suit, is dancing in her seat while watching a mortgage refinancing commercial on the jetBlue TV. KID STOP [CENSORED] KICKING MY SEAT OR IN THE OVERHEAD YOU GO, [CENSORED]!! I want off this [CENSORED] plane. I have to pee, but I can't get out. I'm seated in a window seat because jetBlue gave my aisle seat away to some weird looking woman. They did this even though I reserved an aisle seat 7 weeks ago. [CENSORED]you jetBlue! My legs are cramping. I'm gonna die of a clot in my leg before this flight is done. I just know it.
...Ha! Some guy just bumped his head on the bulkhead getting back into his seat. DO IT AGAIN SILLY MAN!
... I think I have Uromysitisis poisoning . A rare and dangerous syndrome that you can get from holding in your pee. Seinfeld got it in an episode where they were searching for Kramer's car in the mall garage. I need to go. I could wake up the loons next to me, so I can get to the bathroom. I hope the weird woman is enjoying my aisle seat. I can't do it. I can't wake them up. Were making our decent. El Capitain will put on the seat belt sign soon. Its now or never.
...[CENSORED]! The crazy woman next to me wouldn't wake up. I guess it was the two smelly cheese blintzes, the bag of Tera Blue chips, and the chocolate chip cookies that put her out. I was up and ready to move, but she wouldn't budge and then "DING! Fasten seat belts please for our decent into..." Gotta shut off my Droid now. It could bring down the plane you know.
...On the ground now waiting for a gate to park this stupid plane. I WANT OFF!
...In the terminal FINALLY! Actually, it wasn't such a bad flight. It was on time and not much turbulence. I wonder what the nice lady next to me on the flight was eating. It looked and smelled delicious. Ah, there's a bathroom. Orlando International is so clean. It's good to be home.
